Dealing with death is an experience we all come to know, but only you will know your experience. That’s to say we all experience grief in different ways, so no one but you knows what it feels like.
When mum was approaching her final weeks, the Daisybox that she would be cremated in, arrived at our house. It was so simple, yet seeing it in person made everything leap into sharp focus… for me, anyway. The months before had been an incredible mix of emotions and this box arriving (brought here from Brisbane by my brother) was a reality check. Yes, she was going to die.
The box sat there in on a bed in a spare room for a few days doing nothing. About a week after it arrived, Mum had a friend visit from Brisbane and on a drive around the district (her daily outings in the car kept her mind off things), they dropped in. Mum brought her friend into the house to show her. She couldn’t speak so there was a lot of hand gestures and pointing, first to her chest, then to the box. She sat on the bed and put her hand on the box, then looked up at me a made the international hand sign for draw… her eyebrows rising meant it was a question. Are you going to draw on my Daisybox?
It was about a week later that my wife and kids began decorating the box. She was so good with them, asking questions, telling stories and letting them tell stories about Grammy. They drew what made them feel good and things that could spark a memory.
“Grammy loves horses…” said one of the kids as she coloured the horses mane. At the other end of the Daisybox, my eldest was busy drawing a Christmas ham, complete with orange slices and rosemary bouquet. Her love of food, living on through her grandkids.
Mum got to see a lot of what we’d done to her casket and she loved it. In the days after she died, we rallied and got to work on the rest. My brother and sister who had spent so much time caring for her, now without those daily jobs, joined us at our place and continued what the grandkids had started.
Lyrics to songs, poems Mum loved, a few puzzles and a collage of sensational New Idea headlines tied the whole thing together. I can see the look on her face now, as if she could see it. It’s a mix of “you naughty kids” and “that’s hilarious”…
I’m telling this story because this is one of the many ways in which we grieved the loss of our mum. We started grieving before she’d gone and have continued to grieve long after. Sometimes it will be tears and other times laughter. I don’t know what your grief will entail, but taking an active role in it and embracing it has been good for me and I can see it has been for my kids.
If you need to talk to someone, consider getting in touch with Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636.
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