Death and Children
Talking to children about death can feel frightening, particularly when the person who has died is someone they love.
It is natural to want to protect children from sadness. But children are part of families, and death is part of life. Giving them simple, honest explanations can help them understand what has happened and give them permission to grieve in their own way.
Start before you have to
One of the things we can do for children is talk about death before they are confronted by it.
That doesn’t mean having a heavy conversation about dying. It can be as simple as noticing the natural world together.
A bird dies. A family pet grows old. A plant begins, grows and eventually dies.
These everyday experiences can give children a way of understanding that living things have lifetimes. When death eventually touches someone they love, the idea is not completely unfamiliar.
A book that helped our family
There is a beautiful children’s book called Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in Between, written by Bryan Mellonie and illustrated by Australian artist Robert Ingpen.
The book explores the idea that living things have a beginning, an ending and a lifetime in between. It looks at people, animals, birds, plants and other living things, presenting death as part of the natural cycle of life rather than as something mysterious or frightening.
That simplicity is what makes it so useful.
It doesn’t try to give children a complicated explanation of what happens after death. It doesn’t impose a particular religious belief. Instead, it gives adults and children a starting point for talking about life, death and the time we have in between.
The book was first published in 1983 and has been published in several editions. Robert Ingpen’s illustrations are a particularly important part of it, giving children something concrete to look at while talking about an otherwise difficult and abstract subject.
Why this book matters to me
This book is personal to me.
Before my mum died, she gave it to us to read to our children.
I think there is something particularly beautiful about that. Rather than avoiding the subject of death, Mum gave us a way to begin talking about it with the kids while she was still here.
That is one of the reasons I wanted this book to be part of MyRest’s resources.
Use simple, honest language
When talking to children about death, clear language is usually kinder than euphemisms.
Young children can take words very literally. Telling a child that someone has “gone to sleep” can create fear around going to bed or sleeping themselves.
You don’t need to explain everything at once.
A simple explanation such as:
“Grandad has died. His body has stopped working and he won’t be coming back.”
can be enough to begin with.
The child may then ask another question. Answer that question honestly, and wait for the next one.
Let children ask questions
Children don’t always grieve in the way adults expect.
None of these necessarily mean they don’t understand or don’t care.
Children often move in and out of grief. They may take in a little information, return to something familiar, then come back with another question when they are ready.
Let them set some of the pace.
Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know”
Adults sometimes feel they need to have an answer for everything.
You don’t.
If a child asks a question you cannot answer, it is perfectly okay to say:
“I don’t know. That’s something I wonder about too.”
You can still reassure them that they are safe, loved and able to ask you anything.
Children can be part of funerals
A funeral can be an important experience for a child.
Whether a child attends should depend on their age, relationship with the person who has died, personality and the wishes of the family. But there is no general rule that children should be kept away from funerals.
Children can benefit from being included, provided they know what to expect.
Explain beforehand what they might see and hear. Tell them who will be there, what will happen and that people may cry.
If there will be a viewing, explain that too in language they can understand.
And give them a choice where possible. A child who doesn’t want to speak, touch or approach the person who has died should not be pressured to do so.
Remember that children grieve differently
There is no single “right” way for a child to grieve.
Some children become quiet. Some become clingy. Some become angry. Some ask lots of questions. Others seem to carry on as normal.
Their understanding will also change as they grow.
A four-year-old cannot understand death in the same way as a ten-year-old, and a teenager may have a completely different understanding again.
You may need to have the conversation more than once.
That’s okay.
You don’t need to explain death perfectly. You simply need to keep the conversation open.
A gentle place to begin
If you’re looking for a way to start talking to a young child about death, Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in Between is a wonderful place to begin.
You don’t have to wait until someone is dying or has died to read it.
Read it when there is no crisis. Talk about the pictures. Notice the plants and animals. Let the questions come naturally.
And if one day your child asks a question about death, you’ll already have started the conversation.
Book details
Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in Between
Bryan Mellonie
Illustrated by Robert Ingpen
First published in 1983; later Australian editions include
Penguin/Picture Puffin.
The National Centre for Childhood Grief includes the book among resources for children and describes it as a simple, matter-of-fact way of exploring life, death, grief and the natural world.