Writing a Eulogy
Writing a eulogy can feel like an enormous responsibility. How can you possibly sum up someone’s life in a few minutes?
The good news is that you don’t have to.
A eulogy isn’t a biography, and it doesn’t need to tell the complete story of someone’s life. It is simply an opportunity to help the people gathered remember who this person was, what they meant to others, and what made them special.
You don’t have to tell their whole life story
When we lose someone we love, there is a natural temptation to include everything.
Where they were born. Where they went to school. Every job they had. When they married. Every child and grandchild. Every house they lived in. Every achievement. Every holiday.
All of those things may be important to the family, but they don’t necessarily make the best eulogy.
A funeral is a shared experience. The people listening will often already know many of the basic facts about the person who has died. What they may not know are the stories, qualities and little details that bring that person to life.
Rather than trying to cover everything, choose the things that say the most about them.
Tell us who they were
A good eulogy leaves people with a feeling for the person, rather than simply a list of facts. Perhaps…
These somewhat ordinary things are often what people remember most.
Stories are usually better than lists
Instead of saying:
John was generous, hardworking and loved his family.
You might tell the story about the time John drove three hours in the middle of the night to help someone whose car had broken down.
The story shows us who John was. We don’t need to be told that he was generous.
One good story can say more than a long list of qualities.
Think about the people who are listening
A funeral brings together people from different parts of someone’s life.
There may be family members who knew them intimately, old friends who haven’t seen them for years, neighbours, workmates and people who knew them through sport, school or community groups.
Not everyone will know the same stories.
A good eulogy can give everyone a little glimpse into a part of the person’s life they may not have known.
You don’t need to explain everything. Just give people something they can recognise, appreciate or take away with them.
How long should a eulogy be?
There is no perfect length.
But shorter is often better.
A eulogy of around five to ten minutes is plenty of time to say something meaningful about a person’s life. Some will naturally be shorter, and some circumstances may call for a little more.
The important thing is not the number of minutes. It is whether the words are saying something worth hearing.
When we are grieving, it can be tempting to keep adding things because leaving something out can feel like leaving part of the person behind.
But you aren’t leaving them behind.
Their life is bigger than anything that could be said at a funeral.
Your job isn’t to tell the whole story. It’s to tell a meaningful part of it.
A simple way to structure a eulogy
If you’re not sure where to start, try this:
1. Begin with who they were
Introduce them in a way that feels personal.
Margaret was the sort of person who made you feel welcome before you’d even sat down.
2. Choose a few things that mattered
Think about the things they loved, the people who mattered to them, their personality, their work, their interests or the things they were known for.
You don’t need to cover everything. Choose two or three.
3. Tell a story or two
Stories are where a person really comes alive.
Choose stories that make people smile, laugh, think or perhaps shed a tear.
They don’t need to be extraordinary. Often the simplest stories are the most revealing.
4. Say what they meant to people
5. Finish simply
You don’t need a grand conclusion.
Sometimes the most powerful ending is simply:
We will miss her more than words can say.
Or:
Thank you, Dad, for everything. We were lucky to have you.
It’s okay to make people laugh
A funeral doesn’t have to be solemn every minute.
If the person who died was funny, tell a funny story.
If they were mischievous, let people remember that.
If there is a story that always made the family laugh, this may be exactly the right place to tell it.
Laughter and tears often sit surprisingly close together at a funeral. That’s not a problem. That’s remembering someone honestly.
Don’t worry about getting every detail right
A eulogy isn’t a legal document.
If you’re uncertain about a date or a minor detail, check it if you can. But don’t let the fear of getting something imperfect stop you from telling the stories that matter.
And remember that you don’t have to be a professional writer.
Write as though you are talking to the people in the room.
Your own voice will usually be far more meaningful than polished words that don’t sound like you.
One last thought
The best eulogies don’t necessarily tell us everything about someone.
They leave us thinking:
“I wish I’d known them better.”
Or perhaps:
“That sounds exactly like them.”
Or simply:
“I remember that about them.”
That’s the purpose of a eulogy.
Not to record a life.
To bring a little of that life back into the room.